Sunday, March 25, 2012

I haven't written a journal entry for ten days, which is not to say that I haven't done anything, just that I haven't written it down. I've been going to classes even though I'm on spring break and I've been getting a lot done, although as always not as much as I would have hoped.

I have a lot of things to say and not a lot of patience to say them all, so here goes.

I was workshopped on Monday--six days ago--in Shelly's class, and it was terribly interesting. The piece I turned in I had also submitted to my lovely mentor, Lynne, and some of the same and some very different feedback. The piece I turned in counted a lot on a knowledge of the characters from at least the previous story, if not the whole saga I've been building over the past 4+ years, and that was of course the first thing that Shelly rapped me on the knuckles for (and rightly so. I should learn how to create a freestanding short story, even if I automatically tend to lean towards the novel form). I read a book of short stories by Aimee Bender called The Girl with the Flammable Skirt and I really enjoyed it; I guess I always thought of the short story as a half-assed way to go about fiction but it actually isn't, not at all. It's a strange art unto itself and I'm definitely learning a lot about it.

Shelly's second point was about plot, which was also more than fair. I have a very certain way of doing things, a very set process, and in that process I don't usually have a plot before I have characters and themes. I may have an idea of where I want to go, what I want to do, but it's never quite formed until the second draft, when I make my plot charts (which is a new part of my process, and it's irritating but helpful). The piece I turned in was very new and fresh and I hadn't worked out exactly what I wanted to happen yet, although being in the workshop really helped give me some ideas. I now have my chart and a lot of work to do, which I've been doing but at a remarkably slow pace. I'm enjoying taking time to not write but at the same time the itch doesn't ever really go away. So that's that.

On Wednesday, Interior Space is going to be workshopped by Myla's group, which is a totally different dynamic from the one I'm used to. Shelly's class isn't really combative but it's a little more sardonic because it's very young; Shelly herself is pleasant but has a definite edge to her and there's no beating around the bush when she thinks something's wrong. I'm glad I'm not on her bad side but I've almost been there a couple of times and it's no fun at all. She also told me that I'm too young to have a sense of humor in my writing, which I am just trying not to think about. That said, she's very well qualified and very with it. The age median in Myla's class is 25 years higher and for that reason a very different dynamic; there's only two other young people in my class, and the rest could be my grandmother. That is not to say that these are women (there's only one man in my class) who don't have an edge; they're sharp and they can be harsh, but they definitely have a different approach. I appreciate that and I'm excited to see what happens. What ended up making my decision was that I didn't want to have to print 100 pages at home; I'd rather use the Xerox at school. So that was that.

Let's see, what else. I've been learning a lot of really strange things from other people's writing, especially concerning my strengths and weaknesses. Dialogue is especially easy for me, I don't really know why. Or at least I hope it is. I guess I just know my characters really well, which is good because I know my characters but bad because sometimes I have a hard time creating new characters, and then I avoid creating new characters, and I end up writing the same story for years on end. I'm good at showing instead of telling. I'm bad at having a plot. I'm bad at compromising what I want for the reader's best interest, not because I think I know what I'm doing but because I feel like I've been appointed to tell a certain story and I'm not going to take out incest or adverbs because people think they're too much. I'm also not so great at thinking for myself; I like it when Shelly tells me what she thinks I should do.

I went to this really great exhibit on Saturday--yesterday?--that is going to affect my writing, I don't know why yet. It's by Frances Stark at the Gavin Brown Enterprise gallery something something something; I don't know exactly how we found our way there, but we did. You sit in a white room on a white couch and if you're there at the right time you can watch a conversation, literally in words, on the walls. I found a video of it, but you sort of have to be there. http://vimeo.com/38103422 It dazed me for a couple of hours and it's going to work its way into whatever I'm working on.

I have the same problem that everyone has. I just want to do too much. I have trouble focusing on one Word document even though I know that small steps are the only way to the big thing. And I see the same potential in my notes, my notebooks, the little things, the way the words come together, this, even. I guess my real problem is that I feel like I'm not being ambitious enough--not in terms of classes, or in terms of work that can be done, just in terms of what I personally can achieve. I can do more than two short stories, for the love of god. I'm a little frustrated but that's probably a good thing. I don't know.

I also have no idea what I'm learning, other than a lot about myself. Some about myself. In terms of craft and story, can't I just bring Writing Fiction to the presentation, set it on the table, and tell them to read it? I'm not learning anything I haven't been told; workshops aren't about learning how to do something. They're about making what you already have better. In the process, I've been learning technicalities, but I wouldn't call them epiphanies. I'm not learning anything a panel isn't going to know, and I'm also not interested in presenting something I knew when I was 15 years old. I thought about putting something about how I'm sort of experimenting with point of view shifts, but not actually. I just do that because the story wants me to; I'm not doing it on purpose, and in the second story Shelly recommended that I either find a way to make it work or take it out altogether.

I don't know. I guess I'm on break and I don't have to push myself that hard. And whatever I come up with for the presentation will be fine, will be convincing, might even be genuine. But still.

I guess I should probably put this energy towards writing something that's going to matter.