Wednesday, April 25, 2012 (After Workshop)

I just had my workshop and I think I should probably write down my reactions and everything before I move on to doing something else.

It was actually the best workshop out of the bunch because (and it pains me to say this) I've grown a lot as a writer since January. I was able to anticipate a lot of what they were going to say and just that awareness really helped as I was writing my draft way too close to the due date. The spacing on the piece was a little generous, but even though it was short, it didn't get flack for that. I have the entire workshop recorded, actually, although it's in that really weird cell phone format so I'm not quite sure how I'm going to transfer it and play it, but at least I have something. All of the good comments were different from the usual good comments and I was both surprised and impressed. I guess I didn't realize how good this piece was (and that's not usually a problem I have, underappreciation of my own work). I really enjoyed the workshop because people were interpreting the story a variety of different ways and they seemed to really be interested. I don't know. I really like the way this is going just now, and although I don't speak at all on the recording (of course) I remember thinking a lot of things that I can recall as I remember them now. The recording is horrible, but I'm really enjoying listening to my class talk about my work, using my characters names, etc.

So I have an option, basically. I have three main stories: the one with Marilyn and Rodger the night of the counterfeit storm (the most recent one), the one with Carl and Rodger in the bedroom, and the one with Carl and Ollie on the steps of a cathedral in France. The problem is that they are intertwined and yet separate in ways I don't fully understand. I've been thinking a lot about what Danielewski said yesterday and I don't know if I've come to any conclusions. I don't know how these stories want to be represented, and I know that I have exactly one week to figure it out. I just know that there is something, there is some harmony, and I don't have the time to find it but at the same time the pressure will allow me to do a lot of work very late at night that I'm not entirely used to doing. I have this sneaking feeling that these stories want to be combined and I don't know quite how I am going to accomplish that. In one sense, I think that it has the potential to be very successful. I don't know how I would combine it in terms of time period, etc. but I could definitely do it. And that would certainly be something to show everyone--my parents, my panel, everyone. But I have to serve the story--stories--before I do everything else and I don't quite know. I don't know. I don't quite understand what my characters are trying to tell me to do, and that's because I haven't tried to do anything yet. I'm just scared to take a step in any direction because I don't have the time to fail. And I don't want to dig myself deeper into a hole that I won't be able to dig myself out of on the 15th of May. I don't know. And I know that the second I send this all out, I'm going to have to figure out a way to be satisfied with that. I think that's probably the hardest part. 

But more than anything else, I'm just so glad to be almost done. I'm glad to have a date--as crappy a date as it is--and I have something to work towards, more than just the abstract idea of logging hours (which, as it happens, I actually haven't been doing). Stress is good. I keep saying it, praying that it's true. Stress is good, stress is good, stress is good.

I have to take a shower and then I have to come back and then I just have to force myself to take some step and write. Which is the worst part of my job, at this point. The late nights. I think I'm going to go to assembly tomorrow, for a change, seeing as it's the flea circus. That said... That said, nothing.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

As a great conclusion to the project that I'm doing, I saw Mark Z. Danielewski speak last night.

When I began this project about a year ago (almost a year ago exactly) I was thinking about him. I wrote my college essay and my seminar essay on House of Leaves, and whenever I thought about him all I could feel was jealousy. Here is a little piece of my college essay, just to give you an idea:

Reading is an integral part of writing, and writing is my chosen craft. For me, writing is an involuntary reflex. I am compelled to express the voices that speak inside my head. However, despite a natural aptitude with words and a mammoth imagination, I know that I am only seventeen years old. I have only been learning for so long. In the years before the Young Writer’s Workshop, I had done a considerable amount of reading and writing, but after that summer, these activities seemed entirely different. I had admired the work of other authors, but I had never wanted to be anyone as much as I wanted to be Danielewski. I would have given my front teeth to have written his masterpiece.


Alas, my front teeth are still intact, and so is my humility. I was simply not ready for my magnum opus. I realized that I could not write something so euphoric if I did not have the background to do so. The author of House of Leaves was a reader as well as a writer. One of my favorite chapters offers an unconventional perspective on the myth of Theseus; I barely even had the background to understand it. It was obvious to me that if I wanted to improve, I was going to have to increase the number of hours I spent in the library.

Those words are still true (and god knows how I got into college with such an adoring rave review of a book--I mean really). Yesterday, when I saw him, I was so excited I could barely breathe. I came to the conclusion pretty quickly that he must be crazy. He's brilliant, he's talented, he's well spoken, he's a great storyteller, and he's good looking for a man of his age. There has got to be something wrong with him. When he spoke about his routine, all I wanted to do was go home and rewrite his novel from the very beginning. For just a second, Marilyn and Rodger and Carl and Ollie seemed so insignificant in the face of the greater project that I have embarked on. I have a lot of it recorded, which is good, because if I were to quote it I would absolutely butcher what he said. He had a lot to say about the way his novels are meant to be and I think it applies to everyone--the stories I'm writing want to be a certain way, and if I try to do something else with them, they will resist. I have to think about that more before I can have something to say. I'm going to have to transcribe what he said because the recordings were with my phone and therefore really crappy.

So I got my day and, as I expected, it's a crappy day. I expected that since I found out so late my presentation would, logically speaking, also be late, but that was just too much to ask for. May 16 is a horrible day in all regards--it's right at the same time as the Stat exam, so I won't have any audience--and my final English essay is due that day as well, plus all the rest of my work, but complaining isn't going to get me anywhere. I just have to sit down and do it.

Where to begin. First I have to figure out what the hell I'm going to do about the actual short stories that I am going to show. As it is right now, I have zero finished short stories. I don't have anything at this point in time that I am happy enough with to show anyone. I have three or four just okay stories, things I have not finished, but I would be embarrassed. When it comes to work, the way I think about it is that I don't have a lot of stacks, but the stacks that I do have are tall. Literally, when I look at it on my desk. I have so many drafts of everything that the number of final drafts is relatively small. When it comes to page count, it's all about precision, to me. I sound like I'm making excuses. I have so many drafts, so many attempts, so many things that worked and didn't work, that I'm not even a little bit worried about not having enough stuff to present to the panel. I'm just worried about not having an appropriate final product. Which I guess is something to think about in the week that I have left to get this done.

Here's a little scheduling that would probably be more useful for me than for you. If my presentation is May 16, then I have to have the portfolios done by Wednesday, May 9 (that's five business days before). May 9 is precisely two weeks from today. I know someone said it takes ten days to put together a portfolio, but I think I could do it in a week if only because I am not going to have trouble with the rationales (I mean, how used to talking about myself am I at this point?). I have exactly a week to finish all of the short stories that I will be putting in the final portfolio.

And that's it, I guess. I don't know what else to say about that. It's going to be a crazy three weeks (although I don't think it should be... why is it that there are people who have their presentations in the third and fourth weeks of May who found out three weeks ago?!?!?!?!?) but I'm sure that I'll be able to do it. At this point, I don't have a choice.

Tonight I'm going to be workshopped. I'm going to try and tape it, although I don't know yet if I'm exactly allowed. And then after that I just work until I can't work anymore. And that's that, I suppose. I'm going to have to find my first semester work and remind myself of what all nighters feel like.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Yesterday I had class, and before that I had a conversation with Myla just because I'm young and she's less young and she thought it would be good to talk about all the things no one told her when she was my age. I hope this counts as something I've learned.

I have the advantage of being young. I have a lot of time ahead of me. I'm reminded of that at every corner. Myla was talking about the things that will happen to me after college, and I guess I haven't really put any thought into them just yet. She advised strongly against a creative writing major--which, I have to admit, I had sort of been thinking myself. She said that if I could string a sentence together I wasn't going to learn much from adding onto what I already knew--rather, study something that gives me something to write about, or English, so that I can read. I don't know what I'm going to major in--obviously--but it will probably be English. Or I could surprise myself and do something totally unrelated. That could be cool.

We were talking about how there are jobs that buy you time and jobs that buy you money. If you're a writer, you sort of have to choose one. I don't know what that means just yet, but I think I'll find out.

I'm meeting with my mentor tomorrow so I can get on that mysterious buddy assignment that was never quite explained to me. I'm also going to start writing--I took today off because I literally killed myself yesterday trying to finish everything for my workshop in time--and workshopping for next week, because as always I have a ton to do. We are reading Beloved in Lit and it has always been one of my favorite books. I'm loving it just as much this time around and I'm absolutely delighted to be doing it.

Let's see, what else. I would really really really like to know my presentation date so that I can actually get started on the portfolio. I'm not starting anything before I get that date. I know that seems stubborn of me but I want to get as much writing done as possible and although the project itself is important, I relish the organization and the pulling everything together. I'm not really nervous about my presentation just yet because it's such a foreign concept. It hasn't quite hit me yet that this year--and this saga--is not quite over.

I have a crazy week on tap. I had today off and treated it like a weekend, although I did do a lot of my lit reading. I have tomorrow, Focus class and then Lit and then meeting with Lynne, and then after that writing, hopefully, and workshopping and reading and all that good stuff. On Saturday I have to do all my schoolwork and I have to pack, because Sunday-Monday I'm going to be at Columbia visiting (and not writing, at least not yet) and then on Tuesday I have school and after that I'm going back to Columbia to see my favorite author speak. I can't even tell you how excited I am to actually see Mark Z. Danielewski in person. I literally cried when I found out that he was speaking. You have no idea. And then after that I have Wednesday morning to catch up on all the things I didn't do over the weekend--including Calliope, which is in its crazy season right now--and then back to the city again, for workshop. I'm going to try and get Myla to allow me to audio record at least the part where I am personally being workshopped, although I don't know how successful I'll be. It seems a little silly that I need an audio/visual component to a presentation that clearly does not lend itself to that, but what can I do.

I'm pretty content with where I am right now. I think it has to do a lot with the weather. And the fact that I actually have two (almost three) short stories and I will probably have more before I have to give my presentation. I don't have a whole lot to say because I don't have a whole lot to complain about.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

I missed Myla's class because of the Cum Laude ceremony. Funnily enough, Mr. Daly said something beyond flattering about me actually becoming a writer.

Not today, though, unfortunately. I've sort of been taking it easy because quite honestly I'm tired. I've been doing my workshop work and everything, and my schoolwork too, but these past few weeks I've found myself workshopping people's stories on Wednesday morning, rather than the Saturday or Sunday before. I also haven't been writing as much because, quite frankly, I'm stuck.

I have sort of a strange dilemma. I love Interior Space but it's going to need a lot of work before it's finished. And I don't know if I have the energy or willpower for that kind of work right now. Basically it needs to be separated. I've been working on all these shifting point of view stories but wouldn't they just work better separately? To be honest I was never quite sure of the Gothic cathedral - Carl - Ollie thing because it came to me too easily; I appreciated it, make no mistake, but I think it's important enough to deserve its own story and it's too heavy to have such a brief mention. I could split the two and rewrite both of them, but every time I sit down to do it I get up more disappointed than I was when I sat down. I knew I wasn't actually done when I said I was done, but I was done for the moment, and that moment hasn't yet passed. Although now that I'm actually thinking about it it doesn't seem as frustrating as it did just a few days ago. Maybe the moment's passing just because I'm considering.

And as for the second story, as Shelly said, it's quite good, but it isn't finished. I think a lot of my writing has to do with the weather--I'm freezing to death in my room right now, and I don't feel like doing anything. That's an excuse. I have to actually write past the central event of the story and although I have very clearly planned out what I want to happen, I've been avoiding doing it. The problem is that what Shelly told me to do (and what I was leaning towards anyway) is incompatible with the Focus project. It has to be somewhat sexually explicit and I'm not sure I'm allowed to do that; there's no way around it, and even if I cut the scene down as much as I can, it's still the central action of the story. Believe me, I didn't mean it to come out like that. There were supposed to be undertones--a story with no sex in it is interesting only to children--but it wasn't supposed to be as... well, I don't know. It's not pornographic, far from it, but I wouldn't want my parents to read it, put it that way.

I have to finish preparing my presentation for tomorrow and that actually gave me a little guidance. I have a lot more material than I think I do, but I still only have two short stories and we're halfway through April. Although it wouldn't be unreasonable for me to turn out another one, is three 20 page stories enough? I don't feel like it is. I should start putting my work in 12 point font instead of 11.

I have to turn into workshop for Myla next week and I'm nervous. I don't have anything right now, but that doesn't worry me--I know that I always manage to come up with something, if only because I'm best under pressure. I'm worried because I don't know how this fits into Focus and I need this presentation to be good. I mean, doesn't everyone?

I'm also screwed for the bibliography we're supposed to turn in tomorrow. I never knew anything about that. I wasn't aware that I was supposed to be reading anything in particular--I've been reading what my teachers have been giving me, and of course I read a few books on my own, but nothing that deserves a place in any kind of academic bibliography. I have tried not to read anything academic because I know I get sucked into it; first semester was enough! I am a little irritated that I'm expected to have a bibliography with no constraints on it--I know I just have to prove that I can read, and I think that seems pretty obvious. But that's an administrative complaint and, as usual, there's nothing I can do about it.

I also didn't realize we had to have a powerpoint for tomorrow, but now I know and I'm actually in pretty good shape for that. I'm just going to scan several of my drafts and just show how the workshop process works. I'm pretty good at oral presentations--I mean, I can always get better, but I don't really have trouble speaking in front of people--but I haven't timed mine yet, so I should stop writing this journal and get to it.

This is an open question--do I need to have more journal entries a week than one? I wouldn't like to fail this part of the project if there's anything I can do to fix it.

Monday, April 2, 2012

I missed my last Gotham class tonight because I had Calliope and Shakespeare Society. It was okay. I was done anyway. Not that I didn't love the workshop, because I did, but getting there and back was hell for a Monday night, especially the Monday night after spring break.

Because I miss Shelly a little bit already (and because it's informative), I'll do what she calls a creativity check-in right here.

I did a lot of morning pages this week. 6 days out of 7, I think, although I don't think I did all of them in the morning. They've taught me a lot. You sort of have to empty your head before you write and that's what the morning pages are for, and also they make a great record for what exactly you were thinking about when you were writing. More than anything, Focus has made writing personal to me, perhaps because I had to share it and defend it. I actually have to pay attention to what I'm thinking about--not to mention I have to write for credit, now, which means that I don't have the time not to write on the days when I don't feel like it.

I don't do visuals or artist's date. I don't do visuals because I don't have a painterly bone in my body, and I don't think it's worth my time. I just don't like doing things if I can't do them right--I know how awful that sounds--but if I can avoid it, I will. Bottom line. Artist's dates I try to do but it's a lot harder than it looks, maybe because I don't actually spend a whole lot of time by myself. When I'm writing I'm usually alone, but I don't think that counts. I'm actually so infrequently alone at my desk that the monotony doesn't really get to me.

I did do media deprivation. I know it's contrived but I enjoyed it. I didn't get anything done, though. The no music thing was a little ridiculous (Shelly's media deprivation is 2 days of no reading, no Internet, no television, no music, and no anything where you could possibly hear or see an advertisement) but other than that it went rather well. I suppose the problem is that individual media deprivation is easy, while avoiding it when you're around other people is much more difficult. I'm supposed to explain to my friends that I can't listen to the radio in the car? It would work a lot better if I was home alone for two days, but considering spring break just passed, that seems unlikely. However, that said, I enjoyed it a lot, and the silence was nice, really nice, surprisingly so. Eventually I'm also going to try Shelly's silence exercise--you just don't talk for a day--but that seems impractical in an academic situation.

What else am I forgetting. I keep a whole bunch of notebooks, including one I got that actually allows me to write in the shower (!!!!!!!!!!!!). I have my daily notebook and my morning pages in notebooks and than you MUJI for making them $2.25 and beautiful. Makes my day every day. I also have a new notebook of my weekly plan, which is my new creativity tool. I don't usually plan out what I'm going to do on what day, but I feel like I would follow it if I did (and this very journal entry, believe it or not, was part of my plan). I'm just hoping that at the end my presentation can be about process because I have learned so much about process. I'm in the process of learning whether or not this particular process works for me (ha ha).

As for actual writing, I was workshopped in Myla's class on Wednesday. It was a bad idea and I knew it. The workshop actually went great and I got a lot of wonderful feedback, but I wasn't emotionally prepared/invested. I hadn't looked at the piece in a couple of weeks--which might not seem like a long time, but it was. I didn't know it intimately to want to immediately revise it when I got home, although that is my project for tonight. I guess I just sort of slid along on it, which I recognize was a bad idea, but the workshop itself was fine.

I also got a really nice email from Myla Goldberg herself, which is printed below:




Hi Serena - I'm looking forward to discussing your story tonight. I am impressed by both your writing and your contributions to the class. I don't know what your aspirations are, but if you want to meet sometime to discuss writing and possible paths to take after high school, I would be happy to grab a coffee either before or after class sometime, or to chat over the phone if pre- or post-class timing is too difficult. Drop me a line if you'd like to try to schedule something at some point.






See you soon,


Myla








I scheduled a meeting with her on the 18th of April and I'm obviously really flattered by that comment. That's also the date of my next workshop, which seems frighteningly close. I don't know how I'm going to survive that, but I guess I will.

I read a great sudden fiction story called Lint the other day; it's very short and I highly suggest it. I don't know if I could convince a panel into flash fiction, but boy do I wish...




I'm hungry. I'm getting up.